"I can finally see my little girl as I remember her.

I want to share a story from long ago that has never left me. In 1982, I was just 20. I was married and expecting my much-longed for first child, I just knew I was carrying a girl. In the last three weeks of my pregnancy I began to feel increasingly unwell. At 38 and a half weeks, I knew it was time to have my baby, so my family gathered and waved me goodbye and my husband and I went to the hospital. 

When we arrived, the nurse could not find my baby’s heartbeat so the doctor tried again with clips placed on my baby’s head. I could see a heartbeat on the screen. My doctor leaned over me and said, "I'm sorry but your baby has died". My husband passed out. “But,” I asked, “What is that heartbeat that I can see on the screen?” The doctor answered, “That is your heartbeat. We should be able to see two heartbeats, yours and your baby’s.” I remember turning my head to the wall and disconnecting.

My little girl was born at 2.55pm Saturday afternoon. She was 8pd 3 ounces and 51cm and perfect in every way. She had my curly hair and my husband’s eyes. I had never seen such a perfect baby.  

When they asked me if I wanted to hold her, I said no. I did not know any better. My entire family came in to see her. When the time had come to take her away, they asked if I wanted a photo. I said no. I brushed my finger across her cheek and then she was gone. Three days later, after the shock had subsided, I asked for pictures. The nurse warned me that the pictures would not look as good as when she was first born, nevertheless I asked for them. That is all I’ve ever had of her… a few original polaroid photos, which were so precious to me but I worried what I would do if I ever lost them or they were damaged.

I went on to have two more beautiful children, but I have never quite come to term with my first baby’s death. I had no counselling, I had no support, and I dealt with it on my own. It has been over 31 years and only recently have I started to try and heal. 

I am older now and have had a full life, yet I often think of my little girl and feel a deep emptiness. I wanted to have her photos made safely into digital files, and touched up, because they are all I have of her. I don't want to look at these photos and see a dead baby. I wanted a beautiful, peaceful memory of my first child, so I asked for Heartfelt’s help.

I cannot thank Heartfelt enough for giving something so beautiful to people who have suffered a tragedy. The retouching was sensitive, the images are beautiful and remained essentially the same, and having digital files to keep my beautiful daughter’s image safe is just so important to me. I finally feel some peace. This is such a valuable gift that Heartfelt gives to families and I feel quite emotional that after all these years I can finally see my little girl as I remember her.  

The grief is still there but my little girl now has a face and a place in my world.

To everyone at Heartfelt, keep doing what you are doing.  

Love
Nikki"